


Theodosia Burr: Virginity Thief

by nosecoffee



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Comedy, Fluff, Making Out, Monopoly Junior Edition, Multi, Schnitzel-Fest tm, Slight sin, asexual character/s, food-fights, impromptu food-fights, many references to loss of virginity, monopoly, non-descriptive smut, referring to stages of sex in baseball terms, risk, snap, yahtzee
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-21
Updated: 2016-02-21
Packaged: 2018-05-22 10:28:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,323
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6075849
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nosecoffee/pseuds/nosecoffee
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>[PhilthePoet: Miss Theodosia Burr, you are cordially invited, in honour of the entire Hamilton family, to celebrate in their humble abode, Schnitzel-Fest tm]</p><p>Or</p><p>The ongoing question of "Who, apart from John, also knew that Philip had lost his virginity?"</p>
            </blockquote>





	Theodosia Burr: Virginity Thief

**Author's Note:**

> Hi.  
> So if any of you have read my fic "Your Favourite Younger Sister, Angie Hamilton" and have read the fourth chapter, this is a continuation on that.  
> To clarify some things;  
> Angie and Philip share a room in the YFYSAH chapter, but Angie moved into John Church's, since he sleeps in Janes Alexander's room anyway (in this AU they're twins).  
> Philip is John's biological son.  
> Both Angie and Stevie are asexual.  
> Philip Jr is five.
> 
> There is non-descriptive smut in this, so beware.

[ **PhilthePoet** : Miss Theodosia Burr, you are cordially invited, in honour of the entire Hamilton family, to celebrate in their humble abode, Schnitzel-Fest tm]  
[ **TheoBurr** : im invited to what-what now?]  
[ **PhilthePoet** : somewhere in my family there's Austrian blood and my dad loves exploiting it so on the first Saturday of October every year, my family holds Schnitzel-Fest]  
[ **PhilthePoet** : it's like Thanksgiving but way more hardcore because my dad always overloads on buying schnitzels and they keep on cooking and cooking and we're eating leftovers for a month.]  
[ **PhilthePoet** : and now that my parents are aware that we are going out, my dad says I have to invite you. Angie's boyfriend "Stevie" is coming.]  
[ **TheoBurr** : idk......]  
[ **PhilthePoet** : c'mon it'll be super awkward and fun and we can make-out in my room with the door closed]  
[ **TheoBurr** : DEAL]  
[ **TheoBurr** : I'll talk to my dad.]  
[ **PhilthePoet** : Awesome]

-

"Mom, dad, John, this is Stevie Knott." Angie said.

  
Stevie was blonde and looked pale and slightly frightened. The adults leaned in, gazing at him dramatically, sizing him up.

  
Then they shrugged and John said, "He passes. Enjoy your evening, Stevie."

  
Angie breathed a sigh of relief and took Stevie's hand. He looked visibly relieved too.

  
"Keep your door open!" Eliza called up the stairs they'd gone up.

  
Angie's groan from the floor above was audible. "But Philip gets to shut his!"

  
"He's seventeen!"

  
She groaned again and they heard the squeaking as her door swung open.

  
Alex shook his head and went back to hitting the veal with a mallet.

  
"He seemed nice." Eliza noted, going about with the breadcrumbs and egg.

  
John huffed by the frying pan. "Sure."

  
She rolled her eyes and turned to her boyfriend. "What? He not good enough for Angie?"

  
"I'm just saying he looks a little..." He trailed off, flipping a piece of schnitzel over. "I don't know, shady."

  
Eliza scoffed. "Yeah right. Angie has better tastes than that. I'm confident in her."

  
"Be confident all you like, he so much as hurts a hair on her head, he'll be the next thing beneath my mallet." Alex commented.

  
Eliza sighed and looked through the kitchen door at her eldest, standing ramrod straight in front of the door.

  
"And what about Philip?"

  
Alex whirled. "He's going out with Burr's kid."

  
His wife arched an eyebrow. "And what exactly is wrong with that?"

  
He shrugged. "Burr's can't be trusted. I still say he should also be keeping the door open. I don't want any funny business between them."

  
John snorted. "You're talking like she'll get him pregnant. Which a impossible, by the way, Hamilton."

  
Alex mock laughed and kicked John in the shin.

  
"Hey, I need that!"

  
"You have another one!"

-

Philip bit his lip again.

  
He couldn't believe he'd actually invited her to this. That was a huge mistake.

  
It'd been about five and a half months since they'd gotten together, and he knew she'd mostly agreed on the terms that they'd make-out on his bed, with the door closed.  
They didn't have much time to do it anywhere else.

  
They'd tried at her house, but all that got them was a yelling Aaron Burr, and an angry phone call to his parents specifying the need for him to stay far away from his daughter.

  
Plus they'd been banned from the library for improper use of bookshelves.

  
And then she turned the corner onto his garden path, wearing those old and faded skinny jeans with a rip in the knee and a flowy black top with a white Peter-pan collar.  
Theo had hardly raised her fist to knock when he opened the door.

  
"Hey Philip- Jesus, something smells amazing."

  
He grinned. "My parents are already cooking. Mom said that if we're having guests, we need to start earlier. Don't know what got into her, maybe the schnitzel fumes have already gotten to her?"

  
Theo laughed, wrapping her arms around his neck and going onto her tiptoes so she could kiss him. His hands immediately flew to her waist to steady her, but ended up sliding up under her top to trace his fingers over the smooth, dark skin of her hips.

  
Someone cleared their throat and the two broke apart to find all three of Philip's parents staring judgementally at them.

  
Theo bit her lip and offered her hand to him.

  
Philip accepted and led her into the kitchen.

-

"What do you think they're doing up there?" John wondered aloud, after introductions with Philip's girlfriend was done, and the two were up in his room, with the door closed.

  
"I don't want to think about my sons sexual frustration, thank you, Laurens, dear boy." Eliza replied, briskly.

  
Alex tsked at him and went about with his mallet. "Eliza, you have too much faith in them. You think they have any sexual frustration to spare?"

  
They all froze momentarily as a loud and audible (male) moan sounded from above their heads.

  
"Nope you were right, we should never leave teenagers alone, I'll go break them apart-" Alex amended wielding the mallet.

  
"Alex, honey, sweetie, darling, leave them alone." Eliza said, a hand on his arm.

  
"I am not about to let that Burr girl, lovely as she seems, take my sons virginity right above my head." He replied, pulling out of her grip.

  
"You know she did that three months ago, right?" John called casually from the stove.

  
"WHAT?" Alex rushed back into the kitchen, hovering intently beside his boyfriend. "Explain. Now. Or die."

  
"Alexander!" Eliza swatted his arm but he payed no attention to it.

  
"Three months ago, he came to me and told me that he was dating her, and that very recently she had told him that she was ready to go all the way with him."

  
"And what did you say?"

  
"I just told him that that was his decision and that he shouldn't feel pressured to do anything he didn't want to. Anyway, when he turned up the next morning looking... Sexed up, I guess, he'd said it went well and promptly fell asleep on the sofa."

  
Alex glared at him.

  
"So that's what that was all about." Eliza said and shrugged.

  
"And you didn't think to tell me because?"

  
John smirked at the schnitzel in his pan. "Cause you didn't ask."

  
"Yeah like I was gonna ask, 'Hey John, do you know if Philip's planning on losing his virginity anytime soon?'"

-

"Your parents seemed nice," Theo gasped, sitting up on his hips.

  
Philip had pulled her shirt off and draped it over his desk chair, so now he was thumbing her bra straps.

  
"I really don't want to talk about my parents while we're making-out." He replied, pulling her back down to grind his hips against hers and mouth at the juncture of her neck and jaw.

  
"But, like, remind me again why you have two dads?"

  
"One of thems biological, the other one is married to my mother. They're both dating my biological father, and he lives with us." He said between kisses. "Can we at least get to third base before dinner?"

  
"Why before dinner?"

  
"Cause, like at Thanksgiving, the schnitzel kinda wears you out and makes you tired and I don't think I'd be up to going for a home run after that." Philip explained, and Theo giggled.

  
"I'm never gonna stop finding it funny that you refer to stages of sex in baseball terms. You're such a dweeb."

  
"You started it!"

  
"It was a joke!"

  
"Kiss me again."

  
"Sure thing, baby."

-

"And what exactly do your parents think we'd be doing with the door closed?" Stevie asked, incredulously, setting down another card on the pile.

  
"Making-out or some shit. I dunno, but I don't think they'd expect us to be playing Snap." She replied, pushing a curl behind her ear.

  
Stevie snorted. "So they have no idea that we're both entirely uninterested in sex?"

  
"Yep."

  
"Wow, cool."

  
"Snap!"

  
"Fuck you!"

-

Dinner was loud.

  
Louder than dinners at the Burr household.

  
Mostly because there were thirteen people at the table, including her, all ravenously stabbing at schnitzel's on centre-piece plates and humming as they chewed because - Jesus - those were good.

  
Philip was dancing in his chair and praising his parents between bites.

  
Theo had to admit, they were amazing, and actually snorted into her Coca Cola when she realised Philip was making sex faces.

  
About halfway through dinner, Philip's five year-old brother, who's name was also Philip, threw a schnitzel across the table and it landed in Johns lap, which led to a full blown food fight (they had schnitzel to spare).

  
"Your family is crazy!" Theo said, once she'd managed to drag Philip under the table.

  
"It seems to happen every year!" He replied, kissing her quickly and getting back up to shove a sizeable piece in his sisters face.

  
Theo wasn't sure how she'd recount this to her father.

  
"Oh yeah, dad, it was great. Mrs Hamilton was kind and dinner was quiet, I think his parents liked me."

  
Yeah, how was she supposed to explain the stain on her jeans?

  
Nothing appropriate could leave that stain and she wasn't about to tell him that the Hamilton's started a food fight. She glanced quickly at Angie's boyfriend who had also taken refuge there.

  
Theo sighed and joined him above the table with a war-cry.

-

"She's officially part of the family," John said once they'd ushered all the children off to wash up, and were cleaning up the dining room.

  
"Well, yeah, if she joined in on a food fight, she's good enough for Philip, virginity-stealer or not." Alexander responded, wiping down the table.

  
"Alexander, you're one to talk." Eliza said, swatting his arm with a tea towel and flicked a few breadcrumbs off his shirt. "Literally, both of us can testify that you did the same."

  
"That's true," John pointed out. "You're such a hypocrite."

  
Alex scowled at the both of them.

  
"The one thing I'm glad of is that every bedroom in this house has an ensuite." Eliza sighed.

-

"Philip, fuck." Theo bit into his shoulder to muffle her moan, clinging to his back. He was doing similarly, though one hand was supporting the haphazard thigh thrown over his hip.

  
Water-droplets from their shower were clinging desperately to his hair and bare skin, and Theo groaned loud at the creaking of the bed beneath them.

  
"Do you think," she gasped against his tan skin. "That your parents can hear us?"

  
He laughed and broke off into a grunt, shifting slightly against Theo's damp skin. "Everyone's taking showers right now. Plus, I doubt they'd care."

  
He bit down lightly on her collarbone and she arched into him, pulling on his springy curls.

  
"I can't believe your family is so chill."

  
"Yeah," Philip's hips stuttered, and he bit his lip, as she pulled harder.

  
"I also can't believe you have a hair-pulling kink."

  
"It's hot, okay?"

  
Theo bit her lip and tugged his head to the side by his hair, making him hiss in pleasure and thrust harder.

  
"I guess pops would mind, but that's because he's overly protective of me. That's why I went to dad instead of him the day before we went all the way the first time."

  
Theo smiled against his jaw, releasing his curls and massaging he scalp with her fingers. "Did you really?"

  
"Yeah. I mean, people make a big deal out of losing their virginity, and I was a bit nervous."

  
Theo pulled back, stopping his advances entirely and stared at him. "You mean to tell me," she said slowly. "That that was your first time?"

  
He nodded, wondering why she looked shocked. "I thought you knew that."

  
"I didn't. Fuck, if I HAD though..."

  
"If you had...?" He lifted her chin, making her look him in the eyes.

  
"If I had known I would've been slower. More careful. I would've made it special for you." Philip laughed and shook his head.

  
"Theo, it was already special. It was great." He ran a nervous hand through his hair. "Theo, I swear, it was perfect. You don't need to beat yourself up for not knowing something as unimportant as that."

  
Theo had a new sparkle to her eyes, and when she nudged his hip with a gentle hand he kissed her and continued.

  
"Also can we stop talking about my parents while we're in bed please?"

-

"Yahtzee!" Stevie yelled and Angie threw the dice at him.

  
"I hate that you beat me at that."

  
"What do you wanna play next?"

  
Angie ran through all the games in the house. She perked up. "I have Monopoly Junior. Faster than regular Monopoly. But we have to go get it from Philip's room."

  
Stevie ushered for her to stand. "Lead the way then Miss Hamilton."

  
"With pleasure, Mr Knott."

  
His room was just down the hall so it was a short walk. There was a thump from inside. Angie's brow furrowed.

  
"Philip? Are you okay in there?"

  
It having been formally her room also, Angie twisted the knob and entered, only to screech and slam the door behind her as she exited at the sight of what was happening in said room.

  
There was a hushed conversation from inside the room, and Stevie looked at her weird.

  
"What's wrong?" He asked.

  
"Let's not play Monopoly Junior." Angie squeaked and grabbed his hand, dragging him back down the hall before Philip's door slammed open.

  
"What? Why? What happened?"

  
"I just found out that my brother is sexually active."

  
She dragged Stevie down the stairs. "Let's play Risk instead. It's the game equivalent of how I live my life."

-

[ **TheoBurr** : tonight was great. also you said that you probs wouldn't be able to pull off a home-run after Schnitzel-Fest. AND YET]  
[ **PhilthePoet** : don't start. Angie's never gonna let me live this down. every time she sees me she screams "my eyes!"]  
[ **TheoBurr** : I won't apologise for doing what's right. ;)]  
[ **PhilthePoet** : god you're amazing.]

 

Fin.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading, I hope you enjoyed this.  
> Quick thanks to my friend Kayden for repeatedly saying "I love it" every time I sent them a new paragraph.  
> As always, my Tumblr is nose-coffee. I always take prompts.  
> Again, thanks. :P


End file.
